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The Wedgie - Issue #73

In every edition we highlight a current PGA Tour Pro that really annoys us. This is not a comment about their character, we don’t know them of course - it’s just our observation.
They’re the golf professional that (from the outside) you’d like to grab by the Reg Grundies and give a good old fashion Wedgie. You know the act. Walk up behind, grab the top of the undies, yank them hard and high and upward. As they squeal and yelp and try to lower their body to release their new formed G-Banger and untangle their agates, your satisfaction is evident at executing the perfect Wedgie.
And this edition’s Wedgie recipient is none other than Matt (Koooooch) Kucher.
I gave him the nod for this prestigious crown because of his dynamic personality, his out-there dress sense, his zzzzzzz. Sorry I fell asleep describing his most enduring traits.
While Kooch gets my Wedgie nomination for his dynamic demeanour, his reputation proceeds him. Remember back in February 2019 when it was revealed he "generously" paid his temporary caddy $5,000 for his week’s work at the Mayakoba Golf Classic in Mexico? He embraced local caddy, Mexican David “El Tucan” Ortiz on the 18th green after his first win in nearly 4 years. It wasn’t a real man hug – more the token hug you share with a smelly aunty. His regular caddy John Wood able to work for Kooch during the event – maybe he couldn’t get over the wall? Anyway I digress. A dorky, customary grin completed the Kucher blandness as he accepted the trophy. Even though it was his first win in four years he held back the emotion, but not El Tucan. He was overcome with excitement, forcing back the tears, raising a fist pump to the adoring crowd like he was the Mexican hero Benito Juarez (former Mexican President who fought against foreign occupation in the mid-1880s)
Maybe El Tucan was imagining the money he was about to earn. Ten percent was the generally accepted percentage for a caddy when his boss won an event. Kooch was about to be handed an oversized cheque for $1.3 million, so he may have done the math and thought over $100k was about to jump in the sky rocket.
But had El Tucan forgotten the contract he’d made with the devil before the event? According to our hero, he agreed to pay his fill-in caddy USD$4,000 for his week’s work.
“I ended up paying him USD$5,000 and I thought that was more than what we agreed upon”, Kucher was quoted as saying on the Golf Channel after the story broke. Good point Kooch, that’s a 20% bonus – what a guy!
And then this; “there was a complete, agreed-upon deal that not only did I meet, but exceeded. So I certainly don't lose sleep over this. This is something that I'm quite happy with, and I was really happy for him to have a great week and make a good sum of money. Making USD$5,000 is a great week."
Yes it is a great week Kooooch – so is earning USD$1.3 million. Not to mention the USD$45 million you have made during your exciting career.
I was going to nominate a bland, unexciting, colourless and goofy PGA Professional Matt Kucher for this edition’s Wedgie. Unfortunately we mightn’t be able to give him a Wedgie now because he’s such a tight arse…

Editor’s Note: Apparently Kucher offered Ortiz an extra $15k after the story became public which was refused. Later Kucher released a statement apologising for his comments, saying he would pay Ortiz an extra $45k, bringing the total to $50k, also pledging a donation to the event’s charity. As he should have….


WEDGIE HALL OF FAME HONOUR BOARD

Jim Furyk

Matt Kucher


BACK TO CONTENTS, HACKER MAGAZINE - ISSUE 73